I have always been a writer
I look at my life and very rarely think of the little girl I used to be.
I’ve heard so many people say things like “This would make little me so proud” and “When I talk negatively to myself this is who I’m talking to and it would hurt her so much” followed by younger photos of themselves- I’ve never thought like that. Baby me was just a baby, and little girl me was just a little girl, I am two separate people but in many ways we are still the same.
When I look at photos of little me though there is part of me that thinks “What would she think of us now?” When I write poems about sexual desire and cannibalism, self loathing and calling myself fat and worthless in the mirror I do wonder about little me, her thoughts and feelings on the trajectory I have taken us on.
I consider myself very lucky to be pursuing one of my earliest passions as a career.
Writing was always weaved in the thread of the tapestry that is my life. Even when I was determined to be a fashion designer, or a restaurant owner (my first dream jobs) I would always have some writing idea that took priority.
My earliest memory of writing a book, or rather trying to, was when I was 10, and attempting a fiction book called ‘The garden girl.’ It was about a teenage girl discovering the secret world of fairies and fantasy that resided in a portal in her very own back garden. (I’ve never read The Secret Garden but I imagine it was similar to that) I planned and planned but never got past writing the first chapter before I got bored and moved on.
I wrote scripts and sitcoms, fiction and very little fact. My next big project came a few years later after my obsession with AMC’s The Walking Dead was in full swing.
My project ‘Extinction Event’ was my own telling of a zombie apocalypse, with a self insert character, a Daryl Dixon level brooding hottie, and a quiet English nerd making up the main trio. It was set in my hometown and surrounding areas, with the climax aiming to take place in an overrun Glasgow city centre. The story opened with the main character getting hit by a bus by the aforementioned male characters. She was them taken in by them, nursed back to health then from there they began traveling the city picking up survivors and traversing a new life. The bus was their base and prime travel method, which was my favourite aspect. I had drawings, story boards, and plans but again I never got more than a few chapters in.
I suppose one thing little me and adult me have in common is that we still bite off more than we can chew.
I had given up on the illusion of being an author because I never got far in any project, and assumed that meant I’d get nowhere, that even if I had passion I didn’t have talent.
But then I was tangled in the web of fandom as I entered high school, eventually finding Wattpad, Tumblr, and A03. Fanfiction writing took me over completely, and I found it easier to write about established characters in short form writing. Above all it was fun, and I hadn’t felt that fun in writing in years.
When my 6th year of high school was fast approaching I was convinced I was going to commit to a career in childcare. I’d just completed a two year child and social care apprenticeship, and hadn’t thought much about my future.
It was then that writing tapped me on the shoulder again.
I owe my writing career to two women: My 5th year English teacher Miss Campbell for re-sparking my passion for English, and Carol Ann Duffy, who inspired me to attempt poetry. The reason I was awful at writing fiction was because it wasn’t my true area of passion, it was poetry.
Mrs Havisham and Valentine were the first poems I read and loved. Everything about the simplicity yet power really kept my interest. When it came to analysing poems it was the first time I really understood poetry, why people liked it why people wrote it. Uncovering all the little details, the double meanings, why the writer chose to use enjambment. Everything
I zoned out and thought I’d try to write something poetic about a haircut I just got, and that was all it took.
It was a month out from college applications opening and with very little thought I rushed a personal statement and applied to every writing course in the city.
College had never once been in my life plan, and it was a last minute decision, and the best risk I have ever taken because I cannot imagine where my life would be if I hadn’t. I got accepted to two courses, Film and script writing at Kelvin college, and Media and Communication at City of Glasgow. At the very last moment I withdrew from Kelvin and accepted my place at City of Glasgow with no idea of path I had put myself on.
In the past year I have achieved so much, and I don’t take enough time to slow down and really appreciate it. I have so much work published, this newsletter that I love with every part of me, and whenever I go too long without it I miss it dearly. In February I finally faced me fear and did my first open mic, and this Monday my third is teed up.
I turned 21 recently and had a look through my various baby photos and mementos, and I can tell you with confidence two things:
I was a 2000s fashion icon, and I was always meant to be a writer.
I dug through and read every report from Primary school that I could find, and one thing stood out: I always had a keen interest in writing.
So in the spirit of gratitude on this warm Saturday afternoon, I would like to share with you some of the quotes and comments about little me, and how she was always meant to be me.
Primary one. 2008 age 4:
“Kaci enjoys listening to and discussing stories and is able to discuss the character and plot. She has a good imagination for story writing”
Primary two. 2009-2010 age 5:
“Kaci enjoys listening to and reading new texts. She is growing confidence and with encouragement she contributes ideas to group and class discussions” On the back of this report there is a section for personal targets identified by the pupil, I wrote : “I would like to get better at writing”
Primary five. 2012-2013 age 10:
“Kaci has very good imaginative ideas in story writing and can write short stories. She is able to write a variety of different genres and can use adjectives and similes when writing descriptions. Sometimes her work is incomplete as she gets distracted”
Primary seven. 2014-2015 age 12:
“She is eager to please and always wants to do her very best. She is particularly keen on writing.” “She is everyone’s friend in class; polite and helpful to everyone”
Thank you for reading, thought I’d write something a little different today, something soft and simple while the suns beaming. I’ve been away far too long and I’ve missed this so much. There’s a couple big writing projects and pieces I’m working on that I hope to have out soon.
Until the next, stay weird,
Kaci xc